The Myth of the Terrible Twos
Remember your cheerful little toddler who smiled all the time and was happy with nothing more than a comfy blankie to sit on and some keys to play with? That child may seem as if he existed in another lifetime when your little guy suddenly turns into a screaming, demanding, bossy little monster. Aggression in two year olds is so common that people have long called this phase, "the terrible twos." What if it didn't have to be this way? It's time to learn to communicate with your toddler.
Dealing With Emotions of the Two Year Old
Your mother probably has plenty of stories of how you behaved when you were two. That may explain her smug smile when you complain about your own little monster's outbursts. People have long noted the dramatic change that happens in a child's personality sometime during their second year of life. Two year olds are challenging at the best of times, and at their worst, they can be downright infuriating.
When it comes to two year olds, emotion is the name of the game. Two year olds are creatures of pure emotion. They are becoming independent people, but they lack the ability to temper their desires with logic or reason. Part of the reason parents get frustrated with two year olds is that they expect them to behave and react like adults. Many moms don't realize that the behavioral demands they place on their two year olds are unrealistic and probably impossible for the child to meet.
Understanding Your Toddler
Put yourself in your two-year-old's shoes. Up until now, you've been entirely reliant on another person (mom) to provide everything. You've finally mastered gross motor skills. You can walk, run, and climb. The whole world is new to you and ripe for exploration. But as soon as you try and set out on your voyage of discovery, mom rushes in and stops you. You can't climb up the bookcase (even though it's clearly made for climbing), you can't put those small round things in your mouth (even though they totally look like candy), and you can't pull all the boxes of cereal off the shelves at the store (even though they would make perfect building blocks).
What's worse, from your child's perspective, is that the person who stops you from doing all these things expects you to just be okay with it. It's plain to see that two year old behavior stems from a need to explore and experiment, and when they are denied these experiences, it's frustrating and makes them mad.
Communicating with Your Toddler
So how do you effectively communicate with two year olds? You need to connect with them emotionally. Calm, rational explanations won't solve the problem. Renowned doctor and author Harvey Karp covers this process in his book, Happiest Toddler on the Block. He encourages parents to think of toddlers as little cave men. When a toddler goes into tantrum mode, mirror the intensity of their emotions and express what they are feeling. "You're mad! You're so mad mommy took that toy away. You want that toy, and mommy took it. That makes you mad!" Your intensity will cut through the child's whirl of emotions and help her realize that you understand what she's going through. Once you have her attention, then you can offer your explanation. "Mommy took that toy because it isn't ours and we need to leave it at the store." Then offer a distraction (a piece of gum, pointing out another child, asking a question) and move on.
While there is no way to end toddler tantrums entirely, you can lessen their frequency and intensity by looking at the world through your two-year-old's eyes. What you see may surprise you.
