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What if You Suspect Your Husband Is Gay

Gay husbands are much more common than we might think. A 2008 University of Chicago study showed that the number of women whose husbands had been with other men is estimated at between 1.5 and 2.9 million. Other studies have shown that, out of the 27 million American males who are presently married, 436,000 (1.6 percent) identify themselves as gay or bisexual.

Married Men Coming to Terms with Sexuality Issues 

Since the definitions of 'gay' or 'bisexual' vary widely, otherwise intelligent women might miss the gay husband signs that seem obvious to others. 

You might be asking, why would a gay man marry a woman? There are a number of reasons. He might feel that he has to marry a woman to satisfy others' expectations. For example, in the Bible Belt and know many people who are taught that "being gay" is a sin against nature. If a man thinks he might be gay, he may marry a woman in the hopes that it might 'cure' him of any homosexual desires he has.

He might not be completely sure of his sexuality, which isn't uncommon among gay or bi-husbands. That's certainly often the case in the 'my gay husband' articles that abound on the subject. Still others may marry a woman because they want children. Whatever the reason, finding out your husband is gay can be really heartbreaking. Many men go through the identity crisis of acknowledging their sexual persuasion while in the marriage.  Many women with gay husbands have gone through the acknwledging and have become alternately heart broken but eventually best friends with a husband dealing with sexual identitiy questions.

In dealing with this topic we will carefully avoid the stereotypes and judgements about gay men (being effeminate, etc). . Aside from the fact that they're often not true, sexuality is much more complicated than most stereotypes give it credit for. Also, some of these things might not mean much unless they occur together and not by themselves. That being said, here are some gay husband signs to look for.

  • Strongly homophobic behavior. Do you remember hearing the phrase, 'the lady doth protest too much'? The same principle comes into play here. While a straight man might not particularly understand being gay, constantly harping on it can be a sign that he's 'protesting' to cover up something in himself. Think about it; would you suspect a person to participate in behavior they constantly say they hate? No. A gay or bi-husband might make their 'dislike' of homosexuality particularly public in an effort to 'throw others off of the scent'. A few high-profile cases (Christian pastor Ted Haggard and senator Larry Craig come to mind) have shown this to be very true.
  • Being secretive about relationships with other men. If your husband got several phone calls or invitations from another woman and hid that from you, would you be suspicious? Perhaps. But what about the same things from other men? If a husband is gay and didn't want you to find out about it, he might take the same steps to avoid getting caught that a straight husband might take in covering up a romantic relationship with another woman. This could include lying about things like where he's been or who he's been with when he's out or seeming nervous about talking on the phone with another man in front of you.
  • A loss of sexual interest in you. Or a general pulling away from the sexual side of a relationship over the years.  While it's true that sexual desire and activity can wax and wane as a marriage goes on, a complete loss of interest in sex with you can be a sign that your husband is gay. Does he make it seem like it's a chore to have sex with you? Does he say you're a 'nymphomaniac' or overly aggressive if you want to have sex more than once a month?  Are you always the one to initiate sexual activity? Does he seem particularly turned off by aspects of the female anatomy? While there could be a number of reasons for a lack of sexual desire, this can be a sign that your husband is gay if it happens alongside of the other things I've mentioned.

Should You Stay Together or Get a Divorce?

Some couples might decide to stay together for the good of the kids. While this is a very personal decision only you can make, you should know that this might not be as good for the kids as you think. While it might seem obvious that kids fare better with both parents in the same home, children are often a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for. It can be very lonely to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't desire you, and your children might pick up on that. If it's obvious to a child that her parents aren't happy together, it can make her feel guilty or give her a bad impression of marriage in the future. This is especially true if you or your husband started dating or openly seeing a new male partner while still in the marriage. It's great to think of the kids, but you and your gay husband need to think about yourselves too.

Divorce is usually a messy process, but sometimes the implications are different if the marriage ends because one spouse is gay. Sometimes adultery on the part of one or both spouses is brought up in discussions about alimony and child custody. While it might seem obvious that any romantic relationship outside of marriage constitutes adultery, some states don't see it that way. Some states only define adultery as extra-marital heterosexual sex, so homosexual behavior doesn't fall into the same category. This can make a difference in terms of grounds for divorce or amounts of alimony. The differing definitions of adultery causes statistics regarding divorcing gay husbands to be thrown off-base. Whatever the laws or statistics, you should know that these questions might come up in the divorce process.

There's no 100%-certain way to tell if your husband is gay apart from asking him point-blank. Even then, you might not get a straight answer. The hope is that you never have to consider any of these gay husband signs and will have a happy marriage. However, sometimes discovering the painful truth is necessary to your happiness in the future.

No Fault Sexual Identity Crisis

Most importantly a woman going through a life transformation with the man she has loved, needs to ignore the need to press blame.  Please know that your husband's sexual preferences have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. A sexual preference and pre condition is not something he chose but part of who he is. Please don't take any blame or guilt onto yourself, because there's nothing you did or could have done differently to get into this situation. I know it might be hard now, but you'll get through it.

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