As a publicist, I often work with authors and have covered a wide range of subjects over the past 10 years.  I recently engaged a business author Ben Benjamin whose new book, Conversation Transformation – Recognize and Overcome the 6 Most Destructive Communications Patterns (McGraw-Hill Professional, March 2012) discusses why our conversations become toxic.

Since I earn my living communicating, I figured that I would never engage in any of the six destructive conversation patterns he mentions – but apparently, I did so in one of our earliest conversations.

Leading Questions

After finishing his book I said, “So Ben, every time you’re riding the subway or at a party, aren’t you constantly dissecting people’s conversations?” There was a long pause on the other end of the phone and he replied, “It sounds like you have an opinion and a question, Tara.  Let’s start with one first.”  Leading questions, I soon learned, are when you pose a question but expect only one answer…the right one.  I knew that I would do it, so why wouldn’t he?

Yes-Buts

Going home that evening, I ran into another bad pattern –“yes-buts”.  My husband asked if I wanted Chinese food for dinner.  “Yes that would be good,” I told him “but I had it for lunch the other day.”  Translation – yes, I’m tacitly agreeing with you but there’s no way in hell it’s going to happen.  Ouch.

Mind Reading

The following morning, I came into the office and said to my colleague “You don’t agree that we should do this – I can tell by the look on your face.”  It turned out that her tooth was bothering her and her facial expression had nothing to do with what I was saying but merely reflected her physical discomfort.  Mind reading is a very dangerous thing and it’s what (according to my 22-year old son) I do on a regular basis.

Negative Predictions

But the worst one of all that I take full responsibility for?  The negative prediction I made about the Super Bowl.  “It’s over,” I lamented to my husband and sons right after the first quarter Giants’ safety.  “It’s just not going to happen for us tonight!”  Unfortunately, that prediction rang true with the Patriots’ crushing loss. While I couldn’t change the outcome of that game, patterns of self-defeating, negative statements do make it harder to find success in work and life.

There’s hope for me, according to Ben.  Now that I am aware of these patterns I can take action to turn my conversations in a better direction.  Since I am guilty of violating all six that are mentioned in his book (the other two are complaints and attacks), I plan to start with one or two and work my way through the list.  My staff agreed to call me on any transgressions they identify in the office but I do have a confession – I won’t let my husband read Ben’s book because as they say, old habits die hard!

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